ANNETTE HITITOVA 

Having a famous Slovakian tennis dad and a British Olympic shot-putting mom meant you’ve never really wanted for money – or energy.   Born and bred in the sleepy village of Burkburnett, you grew up practicing tennis and shot-putting in the back-garden acres.  You preferred the ‘less strenuous’ activity of tennis, along with the body shape it promised, although your mom has never forgiven you.  Tennis has paid for itself hundreds of times over though, and you almost made it to Wimbledon on year.  Now you mainly teach.

 

BLANCHE BATTERS 

Your mom always claimed you were born with a rolling pin in one hand.  She never stopped blaming you for the injuries she suffered in childbirth.  Her constant criticism continued throughout your childhood, normally related to your cooking ability of which she was jealous.  Many times, you pictured yourself sticking a fork in her during dinner but you comforted yourself by stealing the forks instead – something that would lead to a life of hard crime and hard time…

 

BRUNHILDA (BUCK) SHOTT 

You’ve lived in Heathcliff Manor your whole life – well, in the gamekeeper’s cottage that’s part of Lord Heathcliff’s estate.  Your father was gamekeeper until that fateful day when he crossed paths with a pack of wild weasels.  His death wasn’t quick, and it wasn’t painless, but at least he died doing what he loved.

 

CINDERS 

You were raised in an orphanage, not knowing your mother or father.  It was only when you turned 18 that the nuns revealed your mother was an unusual circus performer.  You tracked her down just in time – and on her death bed she told you your father’s name.  You infiltrated Lord Heathcliff’s staff so you could get to know him before telling him your true identity.

 

DEE MINOR 

You became a major star at a young age because you looked cute and were very good at playing the violin.  But as you got older, people weren’t as interested.  Your latest album release was a non-event and we won’t even speak of the tour.  Desperate to give your career a much-needed kick, you agreed to a promotional deal with a very popular brand of breakfast cereals but it isn’t going as well as you hoped.

 

DOCTOR FUMBLES

All your life you’ve wanted to be a vet, but you quickly u-turned into general medicine after realizing you had far more empathy for animals than humans when you put them under the scalpel.  Then you became bored learning about the ‘simple’ human body and started to lose interest, failing exams and falling behind in class.  Repeatedly being told by faculty staff that you were underachieving did nothing to rectify the situation, and when it came to the final tests you couldn’t even scrape by with a third degree.  Taking pity on you, the university allowed you to re-sit, and eventually, you hauled yourself up to a passing grade.

 

EM FATALE 

As a young girl, you became obsessed with Barbie.  Except you mainly loved the power she had over Ken. Playtime usually consisted of acting out scenarios where Barbie wore a little bikini number and Ken would hand over all his stuff.  Little did you realize how well this game would play out in adult life and so, rather than work for a living, you worked the workers instead – and they loved it, the fools!  Lord Heathcliff is just the latest in a long line of schmucks you’ve had eating out of your hand – and he won’t be the last.

 

FORD ESCORT 

Growing up poor had its drawbacks.  For a start, your dream of being a top racing driver was hampered by the availability of cars – nobody in your family had one.  So, you became a BMX demon and rode everywhere doing stunts.  One day, during your 2000-drop newspaper route, Lord Heathcliff saw you perfecting some triple endos and invited you in to see his eighteen-car garage.  When he offered you the job of cleaning them you accepted on the spot, and slowly worked your way up to become his chauffeur.

 

GENERAL CUSTARD 

You always wanted to be in the Army as a boy and quickly worked your way up the ranks to become known as General Riskmoreland.  Your love of gambling kicked in on the battlefield when you started taking ‘he who dares wins’ as a statement of fact.  After losing a few platoons too many you were honorably discharged to set up your own personal security firm. Needless to say, your risk-taking philosophy regularly loses your clients and you’re always looking for new ones…

 

GINGER SCHNAPPS

As the little sister of Em Fatale, you quickly got used to being on the sidelines.  She was always the one in the spotlight, while you just sat around watching.  Eventually, you grabbed a camera and turned watching other people into a profession – as a wedding photographer.  Now you get paid to travel to exotic locations, drink free champagne and eat the best food while your sister browses stuffy antique shops – so things turned out pretty well.

 

INSPECTOR DENAUX 

You were quickly promoted through the Wichita Falls police force as they wanted to get you off the streets.  After tripping over some onions whilst pursuing a caricature artist outside the Farmers Market you were retired from active duty with full pay.  No matter how many times you ask they will not let you work again so you spend vacations in England posing as a private detective to help those in need.  You’ve never fired a gun nor have you ever successfully completed a case.

 

LADY GARDINER

You’ve always had green fingers.  As a young girl, you helped your granny grow tomato plants for sale at Farmers Markets, which is also where you first met your husband, Lord Gardiner.  He swept you off your feet in the garden center where you worked and set you up in your own landscape gardening business.  More recently you’ve been perfecting the fine art of hedge sculpting – or topiary, as your wealthier clients like to call it.

 

LONDON WILTON, HEIRESS 

You are new to the area and are visiting the town to determine where to build your next extravagant hotel.  Everyone is growing tired of the media exposing London Wilton’s troubles…especially the townspeople!  Egotistical & spoiled are the two words that sum up who you are – a wild child!

 

LORD GARDINER 

Being bestowed a Life Title of Lord during the Iowa Park Mayor’s Birthday Honors List for outstanding achievement in the field of technological retail has always entitled you to draw ‘expenses”.  You’d sign in at the City Hall every day and then partake in a regular 18 holes at the Country Club.  That was some twenty years ago now and most have all but forgotten what you actually received the honors for – selling nappies online and by mail order on a same day delivery basis.  Now you tend to wear the Lord moniker a little more like it was a hereditary title.

 

 MISTY VISIONS 

Your psychic powers started when you were a child – you used to see shadowy figures in your room at night, but only when you were asleep.  Since then, you’ve worked hard to develop your foresight, using cards to determine the best time of day to make a cup of tea.  You regularly consult the spirit world on all matters including what to wear and whether to answer the phone when it rings and with regular public demonstrations of your powers, you have made quite a reputation for yourself in the village.

 

MRS. WITHERING 

Your father only ever wanted great things for you. Your mother left you both at an early age and you looked after each other.  You finished your education top of the class and went on to study accounting – as your father insisted you learn a ‘trade’.  But when he finally passed on, you realized how much you’d come to depend on looking after him and that even doing tax returns couldn’t satisfy you as much. Later, while working on Lord Heathcliff’s books he jokingly asked you to be his housekeeper and you accepted – for the same pay of course.

NED SADLER 

Born an orphan, and raised by an eccentric couple that ran Berryam Stables, you’ve been mucking out most of your life.  Unfortunately, there was so much work to do looking after the horses that your homeschooling got a bit behind.  Actually, a lot behind.  So, when Berryam Stables closed and your adoptive parents took to selling iDevices online instead, you packed a rucksack and headed into the big wide world to find more horses.  Your first stop was the Winery…

 

PROFESSOR PEACOCK 

From an early age, you wanted to be a writer.  At 10 you were writing stories about football, at 15 you were writing stories about girls and football, and at 20 you were writing stories about quantum mechanics and wormholes.  Needless to say, as your fiction became more difficult to digest for the masses, any popularity and support you had garnered began to fade away.  Feeling your artistic career slip away focused your mind on becoming an English Professor instead, and you’ve been gainfully academically employed ever since.

 

REVEREND WILL BEEDONE 

You felt called to join the clergy after being forced to watch endless episodes of the Thorn Birds with your mom.  Although you were raised in a Catholic school you decided that particular variant was a bit limiting and decided that the Church of Good Times was the way to go.  When you’re not fundraising and leading services, you enjoy paintball contests, culminating in a hotly contested “Nuns vs Preachers” show-down every year.

 

RITA BOOKADAY 

Miss Rita Bookaday is not your typical librarian!  You are silly, young, and broke with an aura of mischief surrounding you.  So, make sure to play the part!  In group settings, you often ask random people for money to pay your bills.  Rita, you are rather unpredictable… that is, unless you are offering someone a helping hand at the local library.  You are dying to go out on a date with Doctor Fumbles!

 

SIERRA TANGO 

You were once a rising star of the Iowa Park Police Department and were destined for great things at DPS.  But then you were suspended after a slight misstep and stalled at this sleepy little village in the middle of whatever this place is called.  You might not mind except there’s NO CRIME (late night grape stomping doesn’t count) and you’ve been forced to create your own entertainment.